Monday, August 25, 2025: The Vibe Audit

Status: The coffee is burnt. The group chat is silent. The printer has declared independence. Welcome to Monday.

Weather Forecast:
Partly cloudy with a 70% chance of passive-aggressive emails. Humidity levels rival the office fridge’s forgotten yogurt.

Local Legends Update:

• Greg from Facilities has once again fixed the AC using only duct tape, a prayer, and a YouTube video from 2009. He is now considered a minor deity in the break room.
• Janine’s cat has been elected honorary team lead after her Zoom cameo last Friday. She has yet to approve any PTO requests.

Workplace Horoscope:

• Capricorn: You will open a spreadsheet and stare into it like it’s the void. It will stare back.
• Gemini: You’ll accidentally reply-all with a meme. It will be your finest contribution this quarter.
• Virgo: You will attempt to fix a SharePoint permission issue. You will age 7 years.

Lunch Forecast:
Leftovers that taste like betrayal. Or a group order that spirals into a philosophical debate about sandwich hierarchy. (Is a wrap just a burrito with commitment issues?)

Power Rankings (Monday Edition):
| Rank | Entity | Mood | |——|—————————-|——| | 1 | The office plant | Thriving. Knows something we don’t. | | 2 | The intern’s playlist | Unironically fire. Saving lives. | | 3 | The group’s shared calendar | A crime scene. |

Quote of the Day:
“Let’s circle back.” —Someone who has no intention of circling back.

🛠 Greg the Demigod

• “He fixed the AC. We fixed our faith.”
• “Duct tape, divine intervention, and a YouTube tutorial.”
• “Greg: Patron saint of climate control and quiet competence.”
• “When the thermostat trembles, Greg answers.”
• “Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear name tags and carry cordless drills.”

🐾 Janine’s Cat, Team Lead

• “She’s reviewed your performance. You’ve been judged.”
• “PTO denied. Treats approved.”
• “Her leadership style: silent, aloof, and oddly effective.”
• “She doesn’t chase mice. She chases metrics.”
• “Janine’s cat: 3 meetings, 0 meows, 100% authority.”

🌀 General Vibe Captions

• “Monday: when the coffee kicks in just as the hope runs out.”
• “We’ve entered the spreadsheet dimension. Send snacks.”
• “Mood: trying to fix SharePoint with emotional resilience.”
• “The group calendar is a Jackson Pollock painting of chaos.”
• “We’re not spiraling. We’re innovating in circles.”